Is it supposed to look like that?

A Good Man's Undeserved Hell

2006-01-22T02:59:00.000-05:00

I remember in later elementary school that one of my friends, Mark, said his bus driver let them close all the windows on the last day of school and throw paper at each other. This, of course, was a big deal to elementary kids and it seemed to give us a freedom that would normally get us into trouble. Mark invited me over to his house that day. Unfortunately, he was the first stop from the school, so the paper wars would have been short. Richard, the bus driver, offered to drop us back off at Mark's house if we wanted to ride the whole route. We both decided we wanted to.

It's interesting being on an empty bus. I remember that Mark and I eventually got sick of throwing paper at each other. We made our way towards the front of the bus to talk to Richard. We simply talked about stupid, simple elementary things as he took us back to Mark's house.

Richard was actually my neighbor, living a mile away through some fields from my house. My parents knew him well. He was a farmer in the community, very respectable and boisterous. After I figured this out, riding the route with Richard became something I would do on a monthly basis. After his route, he would simply drive the little extra to drop me off at home.

Richard and his wife always came to our church's christmas eve service put on by the kids in sunday school. I'm not sure how it started, but I think one of those services, Richard gave me a present after the service. It was a box of chocolates. After that year, we exchanged gifts every christmas eve service. It was always a different box of chocolates or can of peanuts. In fact, one year we actually gave each other the same box of chocolates. As I grew up, and stopped riding the bus, we stopped seeing each other. On christmas eve though, it never failed. We would shake hands, talk some small talk, exchange our presents, and wish each other well. This continued to my Junior year in college.

This, being my senior year, was the first year Richard wasn't at the christmas eve service. No one is quite sure what happened, and I'm not certain of everything either. I know He stopped working and lost most all motivation. He soon became paranoid that the IRS was going to come after him and take everything he had. Again, i'm not exactly sure what happened, but I think he had a break where he stopped most functions. He was taken into the hospital and told that part of his brain and simply stopped working. They gave him shock therapy which seemed to solve the problem.

It didn't take long and he had a relapse. This time was much worse than the first. For months, he didn't say a word and simply walked around with a vacant stare. The doctors could give no reason for why it happened and had no way of fixing it. He was placed in a nursing home to get proper care.

My mom and dad would visit him among other people in the nursing home. I remembered my mom saying she would talk to him and it looked like he knew who she was, just never said anything. My dad had similar experiences. He lost a lot of weight and my mom would talk about how you could feel all his bones when she hugged him.

This past weekend, I went home for my Grandpa's 78th birthday. While at home, we visited my great uncle also in the nursing home on oxygen with lung cancer. I will probably talk about that experience later. After visiting my great uncle, mom asked me if I wanted to see Richard.

I had considered visiting him in the past. I had this dream that maybe him seeing me would cause something in his brain to click and fix itself. Part of me was also terrified that him seeing me, a kid that grew up seeing him as an adult friend/mentor, would make him feel ashamed. I decided to visit him.

He did actually say a few words. He said hi to my dad. My dad told him to keep getting better and he uttered the words, "it's stupid." It's true, he does know who you are when you see him, I could see it in his eyes. He just couldn't communicate. I will admit that seeing him was very difficult for me. I remembered the boisterous friend that always stuck up for my family now sitting helpless in a wheel chair.

My feelings were so selfish and completely insignificant to what Richard must be enduring. I can't imagine what a conscious mind being trapped in a broken body must feel like. What hell it would be to see people you care about and want to interact with but be completely unable to.

My miracle didn't come, but I keep praying that someday I will see him at another christmas eve service. This is yet another mystery of the brain. I can't get the picture of him in the wheel chair out of my mind. I feel completely helpless. Richard was an honorable, loyal, honest, and good man that never did anything to deserve this Hell. I wish there was something I could do.

What i see when i look up #1

2005-11-29T03:55:00.000-05:00

Did anyone else only have cloudy skies over fall break? One of the things I always loved about going home was getting away from all the lights in town and being able to have a much clearer view of the stars. This trip home, I never got my chance to look at them.

Even on the coldest days of the winter, I could remember coming home late from being out and still having to take a couple of minutes to look up an appreciate the clear sky that came with the crisp air.

I always found an odd comfort looking up at the stars. It makes me seem so miniscule and completely insignificant at times. It’s an odd way to feel comforted, but looking at the vastness, I know that there is no way that my screw ups in life could ever affect things on such a grand scheme. Everyone knows that feeling when you do something wrong where you only want to cover it up and hope that as few people possible ever learn about it. In the stars, God is the only person to know about your mistakes. I find great comfort in this.

Problem with Groups

2005-10-05T02:34:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a grad level class this semester, EE535 Advanced Semiconductor Physics. The professor has been an inspiration and really the cause of why i'm headed in the semiconductor direction. They're are 5 americans in the class of about 20. The three friends that I wanted to work with can only get together on Wednesdays when I have GSB meetings.To start the semester off, I went to a lab time with three other guys. I don't remember their names, but that's not really important.

After stumbling through the first lab procedure, I asked the TA if it was all righ that I write my own lab report. I did this for several reasons. First of all, I have tons of meetings every week and I feel bad for every group I have to work with because it's hard to schedule a time. The three guys that were in this lab group were all physics grad students. The three of them were friends and I'm assuming have similar schedules. I didn't want to burden them with having to set up a time to meet with me. I also decided that I was going to take extra time trying to communicate with three guys that struggled with English, or I could spend that extra time writing my own lab reports and getting more out of the class.

Either way, it's a really crappy deal. This reports can get pretty intense and is definately a lot more work that one person should be doing. The TA said it was fine if I wanted to do the reports myself. After the first two labs, the professor of the class said I had to join a group. There was also a group of 5 that had to be split up. After shuffling around, it was the last american, and asian couple, and me in a group. I figured this might be all right considering at least one of the members wouldn't have that language barrier.

Well... after being in a group, nothing has changed. After the third lab, the asian couple and I were plugging away on the data and crunching numbers and equations while the american said he would write the abstract, intro, procedure, and equipment used parts. He said he would write this and send it out right away. This was Last Tuesday. After a few hours, we had as much as we could have gotten done at that night. There were some things we didn't understand and needed to talk to the TA. I said I would ask our questions and finish crunching the data. I didn't know it would take another 10ish hours, it happens sometimes.

Last thursday, we had our 4th lab. Monday night, I recieved an email from the asian couple containing a lab report for the 4th lab. At this point, I was still waiting on the american to send his part. I felt some relief seeing that some initiative had been taken and that maybe I didn't need to do as much work on the 4th lab. I opened up the document. The abstract was one sentence with fumbled english. The introduction started, and was amazing.

A caution flag started to go up in my head. Part of me was really fighting though... just wanting so bad to relieve some of this stress I'm under. I read a few more sentences and that caution flag turned bright red with flashing lights and sirens. I scrolled down to the bottom of the report and one reference was listed, a website. I go to this website and find out why the amazing 3 page introduction was amazing. It was entirely copied from the website. I think the TA might have a problem if we put 3 pages in quotation marks. Looks like Randy gets to rewrite that lab report. The data tables and graphs he compiled did look good though and probably can be used.

Well, tonight, I got the email from the other american in my group containing his section of the 3rd lab report. The 4 sections he wrote managed to make .6 pages. Those 4 parts should easily be over 3 pages. It was absolutely ridiculous and none of it can be used in a good lab report. I sent an email back explicitly stating certain things that needed to be in the report and dircetion to add to what was written. I also said it should be over 3 pages.

I somehow doubt I'll get anything of quality back. I had this guy for a TA a few years ago and he was not a good TA. He could barely answer any questions you asked him. He's the kind of guy that will be like, "Well, this is good enough for me, so i'm not going to put anymore effort in." His effort was next to nothing. My email that I sent back to him took 10 minutes and had more substance that should have been in the report than what he had.

These are all grad students.... They do research and have to read lots of literature. I don't know where this is coming from. You cannot copy pages of information. A .6 page paper will never cut it in a 500+ level grad class.

I'm so stressed because I still haven't finished my 2nd lab report that i was doing msyelf. I've spent entirely way too much time trying to fix all my data or figure out why my data is wrong. I know there are better equations and approximations I can use, I just don't know what they are. It's to the point where I will just spit out what I have and try to explain the errors. I'd rather put my name on correct information, but I'm out of time.

On top of that, I may have to write the other two lab reports. Joining a group just created more problems. On top of that, there's hw assignments, quizes, and a midterm next wednesday in a class that only has 2 tests in the semester. My family is visiting this weekend and I want to be available to be with them, since that is why they are coming down. I haven't been to bed before 3 the past few nights. Tomorrow (today technically) will give me only a small amount of time to keep working on things since I anticipate a rather long GSB meeting.

I've confronted all members of the group now. I hope something changes.

Oh Yeah... not to mention I still have to finish my application for Micron and get that sent. I would really hate to put my name on crappy lab reports, but I might have to with the time I have.

Most people used to say that Junior year was the hardest. I say B.S. It never gets easier....

9-11 and a Poem

2005-09-12T02:11:00.000-04:00

So yes, the anniversary of 9/11 has passed again. My senior year of high school we we assigned writing song lyrics for choir that had to do with 9/11, and at the time i was also supposed to write a poem for English. I combined the two assignments and wrote the following poem. As the time passes, this poem has less and less meaning. Hopefully some meaning can still be shared.

Tears of an Eagle

A coward’s blow,
Struck from behind.
Freedom has never felt pain like this before.
Screams for help,
Screams for mercy,
Screams for life,
Screams for love,
Screams for an end to misery,
And an eagle flies overhead.
He sees his wound and feels its pain
Amidst the disaster they cry to him.
A helpless tear falls from his eye
The pain swells as the infection sets in.
Two monuments of prosperity
Falling from the blow
Trapping more of his children
Another tear falls as he listens to their cries.

But when the cowards see their victims’ eyes,
They will realize the terror of their demise.
For the eagle has seen their dirty deeds soaring through the skies.

He will not forget this day.
Now it is his turn to play.
And the cowards shall become the prey.

When the cowards turn around,
They will see the eagle diving down.

Pain manifested to rage
An evil beast locked in a cage.

Anger,
Hate,
Pain,
Driving him,
Driving him,
And the talons sink in.

Latest theory

2005-09-07T01:46:00.000-04:00

Think back on something bad, perhaps terrible, that has happened to you and note your reaction. People alway say that you have to laugh at the bad things or all you can do is smile. Here is what i've noticed.

If you are able to laugh thinking of this terrible thing, it means that you are either currently dealing with a recent event, or you are really happy with they way your life is now.

If you're not in one of these two positions, then you can't laugh. I don't know for how many people this applies to, but it definately applies to me and the people who i've discussed this idea with already.

What I'm afraid of, #2

2005-07-10T23:22:00.000-04:00

I'm afraid that late one night when I'm around 50 years old, I'll be watching tv and see my daughter on one of the advertisements for the next Girls Gone Wild or equivalent.

Seriously, there are a lot of guys out there that must be in that position already. I wonder what they think. Honestly, I would just blame myself as being a terrible father and wonder where I went wrong. I've seen great parents with not so great kids. I've also seen terrible parents with great kids.

Just imagine your neighbor, best friend, or a family member coming up to you and saying "So... I saw your daughter on TV last night...."

How would you respond to that?

What I'm afraid of, introduction

2005-07-08T00:23:00.000-04:00

I used to think I wasn't really afraid of anything and that I could endure almost anything. I realized that the only reason I didn't think I was afraid of anything was because I simply hadn't given fear much thought. I think this is the same for anyone else that claims to have no fear. With this post and subsequent posts, I will discuss some of the things I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid that some day I will realize that some, most, or all of the people I refer to as friends really aren't. If I get married and send out invitations, I'm afraid no one will show up. What if all this time they were just being nice in case they needed me later on? What does it take to make a friendship last? Many of my old friends I try to stay in contact with and fail. My best friend during high school won't return my calls. Every time I'm with him, he always talks about how he misses the old times and wishes we could hang out more. I keep calling and keep getting no answer. I fear that this is how a lot of my friendships will end up. I also fear that the only reason I consider some people friends is because of a common interest. Once the common interest is gone, will we stay friends?

Inevitably, I'm afraid that when I die, there will only be a few people that miss me and that most people who show up to my funeral will be there only to show support for my surviving family members.

Donnie Darko Song

2005-06-23T00:46:00.000-04:00

So does anyone read this? I'm beginning to think I spat this crap out mainly for the sake of typing something to pass the time.

Anyways... I watched the directors cut of donnie darko tonight. The end song reminded me of something I couldn't figure out the first time I watched it.

The refrain of the song goes "I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

I want to focus on the third sentence "The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

To me, there are two ways of interpretting this line. Maybe I'm supposed to interpret it as the obvious one, but quite frankly, I don't know what the obvious one is.

Interpretation 1
You're living a short period of time in a world that is either too good or to bizarre to seem real and hence feels like a dream. You are either dying or know you are going to die. You are actually in a dream and dying. You get to live the dream until you die. (the more happy interpretation) Donnie was given 28 days where he was able to get close with his family and experience love.

Interpretation 2
You want life to be over for some reason. Maybe it is too horrible, too confusing, too emotional, etc.. Having a dream where you are dying in the dream. The best dreams you can have are the ones where you are actually dying. (yes, this is a very depressing interpretation, but it seems like it could fit the scenario of the movie). This isn't necessarily bad. Donnie was actually looking forward to what was coming next, and he could have been dreaming about what awaits.

Both of these to me could fit in the movie. What do you guys think? And that means that if you read this post, you have to comment about it. So I can't make you, but please do.

Swings, Monkey Bars, a Slide, and a Jungle Gym

2005-06-12T18:42:00.000-04:00

My most emotional part of a day is right before I go to bed. This is also part of the reason I have such trouble getting to sleep. Whatever feelings I’ve felt in the day will be amplified once I lie down and close my eyes. This has been especially true for the past few nights.

My older brother has been packing up his things to move out of the house. A long time ago I was having a lot of trouble trying to sleep and hating every night. I would cry myself to sleep. One night I went upstairs and Mom was there. She could tell I had been crying so she asked what was wrong. I told her it was change. I told her I was upset because in only 5 years, my older brother would be gone—as in graduating from high school and going to college. I was only 13 and upset enough to cry because 5 years seemed all too short.

Back then, Rick and I did so much together. Girlfriends, college, careers, ect… didn’t exist. Back then, also, video games and computers weren’t that prevalent. Rick and I would spend many hours playing battletech, heroquest, that X-men board game, and those choose your own adventure books. When I was 13, I knew that would eventually change, and it scared me.

This has been a weakness for me as long as I can remember. It isn’t that I hate change, you can’t, change is a part of life and you would end up having to hate life. Some times the things you have and the memories are so great that it hurts. I find myself progressing through life never really acknowledging that things change and are changing. Once I assume a new role, I try my best to assume that’s how things have always been and will be. My memories from a different role will eventually creep into my mind and start causing the trouble I’m currently having.

I was lucky. Rick went to college but still came home on the weekends and was home during the summer. When he graduated, he moved back home. When I was dealing with the change of being a college student, I could go home and pretend for a while that nothing has changed. Pretty soon I won’t be able to do that anymore. I’ll go home and a member of the family won’t be there. I guess I’m dealing with an unresolved situation from 8 years ago and it’s having the same effects on me as it did back then. I hate having to go to bed.

Picture a great moment in your life, whether it’s a night where you’re out with your high school friends one more night before you graduate, when you’re on a sports team winning a championship, one of the first dates of a blossoming relationships, etc… You know that feeling you get on your drive home after it’s over—that coming down from the high and only wishing you could have enjoyed it for a little longer. I experience that feeling almost every night of my life.

There’s even a part of me that’s upset with myself. In a way, I became what has been causing me so much trouble. This is the first summer our family hasn’t all been together, and I started it. I stayed in Ames.

There are times that I go home and will see all the games Rick and I used to play. I just sit there wishing I could go back, just for a little while. I wished I could go back and live a life that was so innocent and easy again.

Life was so easy back then. Direction consisted only of what you were doing that day, or looking forward to continuing playing a board game tomorrow. It took so much less back then to feel happy and connected. You can’t really get lost on a playground. You might play hid and go seek for a while, but you still always know where you are. It’s the time you leave the playground that you risk getting lost. Sometimes we lose our direction and have no idea where we’re going. Sometimes I think that I wasn’t crying those nights when I was 13 because I was afraid of the change. I think, somehow, I knew I’d be crying 8 years later and was afraid of the feelings I feel now—Lost, disconnected, alone, etc… I was crying because I was afraid I would someday get lost and not be able to find my way back to the playground.

I was right. Here I am, lost and so far away from the playground I can only dream of going back. All we can do is dream of going back. Even if we did find our way back, we’re much bigger now. Our feet touch the ground when holding onto the monkey bars, tThe slide is barely 2 body lengths long, and your feet hit the ground on the swing. Going back wouldn’t be the same anyways. I guess I need to stop looking for the playground and start looking for the amusement park. Anyone want to come with?

Emotionless? Numb?

2005-06-05T23:58:00.000-04:00

Most people that know me know me as being pretty emotionless or numb... I'd like to use other words but this is what they perceive.

This may come as a shock, but most of the time I think my feelings are stronger than most peoples. They are extremely strong. For some reason there is an emotion circuit breaker installed inside of me that has a very low tolerance. I am able to express emotions up to a low point. Once above the tolerance pop, and nothing gets through. Actually, that's not all true... I guess frustration and anger don't have a breaker... I think a lot of that results from the fact that I get angry and frustrated when I can't express what I want to.

There are time that i just start shaking. What's inside tries to get out and can't. For all the people that wish I could express more emtion, I wish I could.

This is one of the reasons I some movies so much. I wish I could be able to use the emotions built up inside of me like characters in my favorite movies. The best example I can think of right now is Matrix Reloaded. At the end of the movie, Neo is trying to save Trinity. He is flying and getting faster and faster. He focuses everything inside of him on one purpose, to save Trinity. I wish I could have an emotional explosion like that... something that would maybe, finally, blast through whatever is holding them inside.

True Nightmares

2005-06-03T23:18:00.000-04:00

I can't remember having a nightmare, by a traditional definition, since I was very young. I guess I was always able to differentiate the nightmares. I would wake up, think, "damn," roll over and go back to bed. Nightmares never really bothered me.

Nightmares mainly consist of being chased, hurt, in pain, embarassmed, feeling trapped, family or friends being hurt, etc... When I wake up from these types of nightmares, I'm thankful they're not real, and I tend to appreciate things a bit more for a while. In the end, nightmares turn into good feelings for me.

I guess my mind had to find a different way to get to me since nightmares wouldn't work. It found a way, a very effective one.

Every few nights I wake up from a dream with an awful feeling. A feeling of lonliness, lack of connection, worthlessness, sadness, depression, etc... The mind knows a very strong secret against you--what you wish for.

My nightmares are dreams where I have what I want; my wish. It takes my wish and shows it to me even better than I can imagine. A day dream about something is nothing, A dream gives you senses and you can actually feel things instead of just imagined feelings. My alarm goes off and I can barely bring myself to my feet. I was just exactly where I wanted to be; and now, I wake up to this (my life). It's one of the worst feelings--when reality kicks you in the face. You just had that one thing you want more than anything and you wake with a grenade laying next to you with the pin pulled out. In 3 seconds, when reality kicks in, Bang! Everything inside of you crumbles.

The feelings after remembering those dreams linger all day. Nightmares make you thankful for what you have. Great dreams only make you wish you had more.

Miracle Number 6

2005-05-12T14:13:00.000-04:00

I mentioned in a earlier blog how my finals were sucking and how my GPA was probably going to drop after last semester. Well, I was right--my GPA did drop. It dropped 0.01. Somehow, I pulled it off again.

I expected a C in EE 438, optoelectronics. He has this odd grading scale where homework is worth 10%, Test 1 15%, Test 2 20%, Test 3 25%, and the Final is 30%. My homework probably averaged about 80%. My first test was a 38%. My second test was a 50%. Not looking good. My third test was a 98%. The average for that test was around an 83-85 (it was an easy test). Going into the final I felt I was probably around average in the class. Average for hw, below average for test 1 and 2 and above average for test 3. Since test 3 carried more weight, I figured it would cancel the first two tests and leave me around average. I left the final feeling I probably got around a 70-75 which I thought again would be average. What's average? a C. Somehow, I got a B.

My other classes went something like A,A,A-,A-. I'm still a little shocked. This was even more unexpected then when grades came out last semester.

As of right now, I'm planning on getting my Master's here at ISU. There is a program where your last semester of undergrad, you can take grad courses and be a concurrent grad student. You can use 6 credits that semester towards your undergrad requirements and your Master's program. To do this, you have to have a 3.5 GPA. Also, you can automatically be accepted to grad school at ISU if you have a 3.5 or better and not have to take the GRE's. Seeing my grades after this last semester was a huge relief because I sustained my GPA again and it has another 15 credits of weight. I think I only have one semester left before I would need to apply to be a concurrent grad student. Keeping a 3.5 shouldn't be a problem anymore.

I hope everyone else also got good news.

6th Sense Expanded

2005-05-09T22:46:00.000-04:00

Since the subject is already up, I wanted to expand on it more. Rick was very right in his comments saying it was instinctual. It doesn't make sense. I agree to a point that it could be related to evolution. Genes are only worried about being passed on. Genes also know that there is a good chance there is a copy of itself in close family members. This should mean that if there was a genetic relationship to this sense, that it would only work when it comes to helping oneself or close members of the family. This is very true in my case. The majority of feelings I get are from something that is going to happen to me.

The three clearest "pictures" i've ever gotten had nothing to do with my family or myself though. Thinking about this, I realized that those three "pictures" had to do with two close female friends of mine. Expanding on that thought, I realize that most my feelings partaining to other people are female. If it makes me "connect," in a sense, with females, it is increasing it's likely hood of being passed on. Two of them really helped me connect and help the person. The third was bad but related to me so it doesn't count. All three of these were very negative things.

For right now, I really believe that theoretically, this could be something genetic. It's helped me stay out of bad situations or deal with bad situations a lot better than if I didn't have these "feelings." Also, my strongest "feelings" are always attached to something negative. That makes sense since good things aren't threats against me, or the potential gene.

I also wanted to talk about an example of what happens to me. These "feelings" or "signals" are different for everyoen and really don't make sense. Back in September, I was dating Stacey. You could say we were having a rough period of time. I wanted to try to fix things so I started making a lot of plans for the Engineer's Ball (picture prom with a college's budget, complete with a fireworks finale). It was coming up relatively soon so I figured we coudl try to work on things then. Anyways, One friday morning I woke up remembering a dream I had with stacey in it. This was 8 days before the Ball. The dream was one of my best. It pretty much showed me what my ideal relationship would be. The dynamics between us were perfect. Remembering that dream coupled with the numb-ish feeling I get really had me worried. Needless to say, I was dumped that night. My life has a way of usually showing me what I want before it takes it away, in a sense. My relationship with Stacey could have never been what it was in the dream.

Here would be another example with something that isn't so negative. Last semester I started hanging out with my friend Lynnea a lot more. I had known her since Freshman year but never really talked to her. One day I was going to the library to work on homework with a bunch of friends. There is a part of the library on the 2nd and 3rd floors where there are tables and chairs pushed up against the window. As I was walking towards the library, I looked up and a "picture" went through my mind of Lynnea sitting at the one of the tables 3 chairs down from the edge of the windows. Later that week, while working in the library again, I looked and Lynnea was also there working on homework. Where was she working? 3 chairs down from the edge of the window. She didn't work in the library that much, at least that I saw.

I interpretted this as Lynnea was going to have an influence on my life. It made her stick out for a reason. Later, when she got up to leave that day from the library, she stopped to say hi. I got another "picture." It was a picture of my grandpa Gebhardt and Lynnea standing side-by-side. Yes, weird, but it made perfect sense to me. I think my Grandpa's biggest fear is that the family won't be together again after death. My faith was not the strongest at this point. A long term break-up among a lot of other things really starts to challenge your faith. Lynnea and I shared a few conversations last semester that helped me and my faith. She pointed some things out that I was refusing to see. It really helped me out.

These are two examples. Like I said, most are attached to bad things. I can't think of other ones at the moment that I can publicly post at this time. As I said before, I don't consider myself unique with this ability. I really believe that most people could have a form of this at some strength. I hope some people will read this and understand what I'm talking about. If you've had similar experiences, seriouslly think about it. Coincidents do happen, but I wouldn't call either of my experiences coincidents. I may right more blogs about this subject as I think about it.

The 6th Sense

2005-05-08T20:03:00.000-04:00

I do believe in a 6th sense, though I'm not sure what to call it. Sometimes it feels like someone is trying to show you something, sometimes it's just a feeling you get. My older brother, Rick, wrote a blog talking about how is body is becoming weak and he feels like it is trying to tell him something. The story can be found at www.rickgebhardt.net.

That 6th sense-ish thing he is experiencing, if that's what it is, is something I know all too well. I'll get gut feelings, I'll see patterns, I'll feel weak, or other things. It's not always the same, but it's just how what is going to happen is being communicated to you. I've found a number of patterns in my own experience.

It's funny... most people that know me feel I'm very pessimistic. I'll talk about how I get a feeling that something bad is going to happen or that something good is not going to. They always tell me to look on the bright side and that I shouldn't dwell on the negative. It turns out though, in every situation, that my feelings were right. It's not that I'm pessimistic by any means, it's just that my feelings are right and my life right now doesn't have a lot of positive things in it. I pick up on the "feelings" and that's what I show. When positive things happen, i'm just like everone else, sometimes even more happy. It's the whole "you can't truly appreciate the sweet without tasting the sour." I've had a lot of sour recently, I'm just waiting for my sweet. I'm actually really optomistic about a lot of things, unitl I get a feeling... after that, it's kind of hard to stay optomistic. If it's something I don't get a feeling about, then I stay optomistic.

I still always hope that my feeling is going to be wrong, just for once. That way, the next time I get a feeling I could at least think back of a time where it was wrong once so it could be wrong again.

I don't necessarily consider myself unique with this "ability." I think that most people can do the same thing once they learn what to recognize. If I were in my brothers position, I would be worried. Not regular worried, just worried about what exactly is going to happen. I'd already know for sure that something is going to happen, just to who is what would worry me. I wished I had good news. Of course, that is applying his situation to my patters in life. It could be completely different for Rick and I really hope it is.

My "feelings" also apply to other close people in my life. They lose their predictive ability though. I'll feel something when something happens, not before hand. Those feelings are almost worse sometimes. I'd rather something happen to me than someone else. My feelings usually come without a direction so I'm more worried then. I don't worry as much when it's coming at me.

To expand on this whole idea. I can remember the exact day that I started feeling these "Senses." It started the night of my car accident. After the panic, the world was completely different. There was a depth I've never seen before. I really believe that for people the be able to pick up on these "messages," that they have to have to endure a traumatic event. This doesn't worth with everyone. I've known people that had they "depth" and then lost it, I guess they wanted to go back to the way things were before.

This whole subject is hard for me to talk about. My mind doesn't work/think with words in regards to this subject. It is mostly intuitive and emotional. I'm not sure how much sense I'm making with this. Making the translation is never something I can do very easily.

3 Years, Done!

2005-05-07T02:39:00.000-04:00

I had my last test on Thursday, the fourth test for my motivational psychology class. Finally, I got to leave a test this week not feeling worthless.

I'm going to start moving to my summer apartment tomorrow. I'm not quite sure what to think/feel. I got a really good deal. One of my friends is leaving for an internship and only charging me partial rent. I will be the only person in the apartment until June. Ames already feels empty. There isn't going to be many people I know around this summer. Also, I'm not going home. That's kind of a crazy thought in itself. For once I'm not pulling an all nighter so I'm ready to move out when my parents get here early in the morning. My family isn't even coming to help me move.

I won't be around the farm at all this season. For anyone that's grown up on a farm, you'll understand how big a deal it is. Whether you like the work or not, there's an attachment to the process. I've been helping with the farm since I was 5-ish. Even with other jobs the past few summers, I was still around to help when I could. The end of school/college has always been correlated with picking rock. No going out this year. I'm not even sure how I'm going to get my farmer's tan this year.

Change has always been an issue with me. Most of the time I just assume a new role and never really acknowledge that a change has taken place. I always go through long transitions at a very slow pace. I'm not looking forward to having to go through another one. I guess it will probably be a good start for what could potentially happen after December 06.

No miracle this time

2005-05-05T04:05:00.000-04:00

After three consecutive days of being clobbered by a final, I find myself having trouble sleeping. This has been a semester a failures. I think the main one was my lack of attaining an internship for summer. Maybe i was too selective with the companies I applied to. Honestly, I didn't think I would have that much trouble getting one. I have what's considered a great GPA and a lot of involvement. This is just another lesson not to anticipate too much. My classes have kicked my butt this last week. These last three days has just added the the feelings of worthlessness.

I'm staying in Ames over the summer and am going to research for Dr. Dalal in the Microelectronic Research Center. I had Dr. Dalal for my semiconductors class. Initially, I thought I'd hate the class, and initially I did. In the beginning we covered quantum wells (yuck!). Once the class finally got past that part, it got really interesting. I learned how diodes, lazers, LED's, Solar Cells, Light detectors, CMOS, BJT's, Fet's, etc... worked. I've known what a diode did for a long time--only allows current to flow in one direction. Honestly though, how do you make a component do that with a chunk of silicon, well, now I know. Semiconductors is actually one of the main subjects I want to get into. I'm thankful for having this opportunity to work with Dr. Dalal. His main area of study is on amorphous silicon solar cells. On the downside, it doesn't pay that well and it's not work experience. Hopefully this will ensure me getting an internship next year, I've learned my lesson about expecting one already.

This semester has taught me that getting internships is sometimes more about luck and connections than anything you've done. A classmate of mine got an internship with more than a full point lower GPA and practically zero involvement.

This semester makes me miss high school. I'll take the drama from back then any day. This semester has had virtually no direction, connection, or feeling of accomplishment. In HS, everything was easy and I knew my direction. I was connected to many groups/friends. At nights, when I lay in bed, I'm overwhelmed of the memories from 3-4 years ago. HS was so easy, even the hardest classes required little effort. Now days, 80 times the effort isn't enough to accomplish what I used to be able to do. Back then I had all the extra time to sit around the house, be involved in groups like drama and folk group, hang out with friends more, etc...

Right now, when I think back, I can barely remember my freshman year. My sophomore year is even more of a blurr. It takes a lot of work to remember things. College is a great experience and time of personal growth. I'm thankful for the personal growth i've gained through my experience. Some of that is dealing with this crap i'm feeling now. One thing is for sure, I'm not as happy as I was back when things were simple and easy. I'm sure one day I'll look back and be thankful for enduring what i'm going through now. I didn't think I was that happy back in HS, but looking back I was a lot happier than I thought I was. I'm sure in another 3-4 years I'll say the exact same thing.

Music and Old Memories

2005-05-03T03:20:00.000-04:00

Argueably, smell has been named as the sense that brings back the most memories. I think music brings back memories more than smell.

I threw a bunch of music into my winamp playlist and got a battery of memories. First comes up NIN with ruiner. I love this song, probably my favorite from them. I remember a long time ago asking rick to record NIN for me on a blank casette I had. This blank casette was mostly clear with pink, yellow, and green patterns on it. I remember I had broken this really cheap green walkman, and got this really nice sony one. It even had a bass boost switch on the front, auto reverse play, and built in AM/FM Tuner. How sweet is that? I think I still have this walkman and I'm pretty sure it still works. Anyways, I got a really clear memory of being outside in the winter. I was all bundled up with my headphones closing my eyes and immersing msyelf in the synthesizer patterns NIN uses in the song. I was out by our grainery and had just fed pets. I remember going to the side of the grainery opposite of the house. Here, it was much less likely for me to be seen by anyone else. I brought with me a light aluminum pipe I found in the grainery. While the music was playing, I was imagining fighting different people, monsters, etc... Don't worry they were all bad guys.

A few songs later, Gravity Kills comes up. I don't remember when the first gravity kills cd came out and I don't care to look it up. I got a memory of sitting on the floor in my bedroom with legos spread out over the floor. I put Gravity Kills in my 7 disc changer (My first stereo system). This baby also had dual cassette and probably had a monster 5 watts of output to the speakers. Anyways... I had gotten this huge lego set from this store in Austin, Sterling Drug. I managed to find this Blacktron Lego set that was a space station/starship set. This was a really big set and I knew it was old. They had stopped selling blacktron long before hand. There was no price tag on the box and mom came down and I asked her to ask how much it was. When she brought it up to the check out, they scanned the barcode and nothing came up. They had to call a manager. I remember mom was sick and really didn't have time to wait around. The manager came back and said there was no record of that set in the database so she said she'd sell it for $20. That was amazing, that was easily a $60-75 set at the time. Mom let me buy it. So, I had opened this set and was building it on the floor in my room while I had Gravity Kills Playing.

Korn untouchables came a few songs later. This is my favorite Korn cd and the least like Korn. I remember my senior year I was searching for a front wheel drive car that had a 5-speed that I could take to college. I had gone to a small dealership in Austin to look at a 95 Saturn SC2 with a 5 speed. When I got there, it was gone :( I saw this 94 burgandy probe GT that was a 5-speed so I figured I'd give that car a spin and at least make my trip into Austin worth something. The guy gave me the keys and said no "hotrodding." Anyone knows you cannot hot rod in a Probe. At this point, I had driven several sticks, but was not very fluent with one. The car was also parked on a hill and the E-break didn't work, great. I got it out, drove it around. It drove really nice. I had driven a white 95 probe GT a few weeks back. This car felt way better than the white one and had more miles. The odometer read about 106500 miles when I drove it. I took it back to the dealership asked them how much. He wanted I think 3800 for it. I eventually got him talked down to 2850. This was the first car I actually negotiated myself. My dad had been there when we did most of the car shopping in the past. Dad only came with this time when I needed to pick the car up. I remember the feeling of getting a new car, I really miss it. I couldn't really drive my car because it wasn't licensed or insured. I remember dad said I couldn't drive it and Mom was trying to get him convinced to let me, just because I was that excited. This is the car I drive currently that now has 146000 miles on it. When I got the car licensed finally and drove it I remember it got a few people's attention at school. I'm not sure why, probes are not fast cars. For some reason people think they are and they were asking me if I raced anyone. I remember I got to Best Buy to look at cd decks to put in my car. They had this JVC mp3 deck that was $230. This was one of the first mp3 decks out. Sounddomain gave it 5 stars in every category accept one which got 4.5 stars so i thought it was a good choice. This was mid April 2002. I remember they had the deal with free installation but the guy said it would take a few weeks. I had prom on the 27'th and I wanted a system installed for prom. The guy told me where to find the offboard amplifier, Probes come with a pre-amp deck that runs to an amp behind the speaker on the rear right passenger side. I installed the deck and moved my subwoofer from my previously owned T-bird over to the probe. Everything was hooked up, now I need a cd to test how it sounds. What cd did I just get? That's right, Korn Untouchables. I can't remember when I replaced all the factory speakers, though I think that was after.

Three stories from three songs. Things like this actually happen to me a lot. Some memories that come back aren't as fun. Some cd's i've stopped listening to for that reason. 12 Stones' first one would be an example.

Anyways, though I would share those stories with you.

Finals Time

2005-05-03T03:00:00.000-04:00

Yay, my favorite time of the year. I had my first final today and I have one final each day for the next 3 consecutive days.

All in all, I think the first one was a close match. We have to wait for the judges decision on who one. It was a 4 question exam where you get to pick 2 to answer. This was for EE 438 Optoelectronics. As most choose your question exams, I spend the first 10-15 minutes just deciding which problems I think I can do the best on. The first problem I did was cake, had the exact problem written out on my crib sheet. The second problem, I knew what he wanted but I couldn't derive the right equation. I guess I'm going to hope for around a 75 or a little better on this test. I hope he doesn't take more than half off of that second one.

Tomorrow is EE 324 signals and systems II. I should be fine on that test. I haven't really studied simply because I have a good idea what's going on in that class. Everything I reviewed it seemed like I still remembered how to do.

Wednesday is EE 322 Probability and Statistics in Electrical Engineering. That's going to be a harder exam. This will hopefully be my miracle class I have each semester--the one where I some how pull off a great score without ever really understanding what I was doing in the first place. I did great on the midterm and have been doing fairly well on quizes. I should be sitting pretty well in that class. I think I'll be able to learn a half of a semester's worth of material in a few hours.

Thursday is the last exam, Psych 314 Motivation. This is not a comprehensive exam and will require about 2 hours of time to memorize all the professor's notes. If I want, I can spend some time reading through the text book and trying to figure out what the 4 text book questions are. usually I can still get 2-3 of those questions without reading the book.

Good luck to everyone else enduring finals. This is currently my 6th round and it does not get any better.

trapped

2005-05-01T03:24:00.000-04:00

For the past several months have had an unexplainable feeling. I've finally figured out a good way of describing it.

Say you’re out for a picnic or eating outside on a picnic table. A small butterfly lands on the table. You take your empty glass and put it over the butterfly. What happens? The moth first goes berserk, flailing around and crashing against the walls of the glass. It tires out and settles for a while. Once it builds up energy, it tries again. The more it tries the more damage is being done to its wings. All that “dust” is falling off its wings.

There is a part inside me that’s in that butterfly’s situation. I have no idea what it is. I can feel something, it’s big. I’ve had this feeling since December-ish. Part of me is screaming to be let out but I have no idea what it is or how to “lift the glass.” It’s wearing me down, all that crashing into the walls.

I’ve been hoping I’d figure it out sooner than later. I’m not sure what the effects will be the longer it keeps fighting to get out. It could be something that eventually dies and goes away. It’s big…. I am really curious what it is.

Lucid Dreams

2005-04-28T01:36:00.000-04:00

This is something I've been thinking about the past few nights. For anyone who doesn't know what lucid dreams are, they are dreams where you become consciously aware that you are dreaming and in a sense can then manipulate your dreams. I have had this experience twice, and I only remember one of the times clearly. I was in a gas station and I became aware that i was in a dream as I was looking at some boxes of granola bars. If you realize you're having a dream where nothing you do has consequences, what's some of the first things you'd want to do? Well, I decided I wanted to rob the store. I tried to conjure a gun in my hand but failed. Soon after the realization I drifted out of the dream and eventually woke up.

I remember that whole day I was just perplexed that I had actually achieved consciousness in a dream. I'm jealous of anyone that can regularly do this. I've been doing some research and some people claim that you can train your mind and become a lucid dreamer. I'm going to try some of their suggestions and see if I can't make it work. Most of them require you to keep a dream log. If I had more time I probably would. I do spend a few minutes every morning after I wake up trying to remember my dreams. I usually always remember at least one dream with an average of 2-3 each morning. My record is remembering 6 different dreams in one night, which has happened twice.

Imagine what you could do in a world you completely manipulated. If I could actually get a dream where I could conjure things and really manipulate everything, the first thing I would do is probably a high speed chase. Trying to outrun the cops... who hasn't thought of it?

I curious if a true lucid dreamer becomes lucid in all dreams. When I became aware I was dreaming, it didn't feel like i had an opportunity to "sit this one out" and let the dream follow its natural course. If I actually became a true lucid dreamer, I imagine that after a while I would start to hate it. After its novelty wore off, I could miss the randomness of the dreams I have now. There are so many mornings where I start laughing in the shower as I remember a dream that was so bizarre that all you can do is laugh. I think dreams are great. I never try to interpret them. There are so many times where I just think, "Damn brain, what were you thinking?"

Well, I guess that's my thoughts on lucid dreaming.

Sleep Prevention

2005-04-23T02:32:00.000-04:00

For the last week, I have been faced with sleep deprivation. Most of the time it was because of things out of my hands. I will try my best to go back through the week and explain how life had some fun making sure I did not get much sleep. Resulting from this, I've had a very small appetite and have been light-headed for about the last 48 hours.

Last Friday,

There was a bunch of people that came over to our apartment to play risk. This game started at 1:00 am. I think I finally conquered the world around 5:00am. People left, I was in bed around 5:30. My roomate comes in at 11:15 and proceeds to do laundry (the washer/dryer is right outside our door). I can remember I was already sleep deprived and really looking forward to sleeping, but I can't remember why. Anyways... back to the story. I asked Jeremy if it was necessary that he do laundry at that time. His response was that he had to go work with clay and write some papers later that day and wanted to get it done now. Ok, fine, whatever, I guess there must have been a good reason he couldn't have done the laundry later that night while typing papers.

Saturday Night,

I know I stayed at my apartment again that night. I can't exactly remember what happened. Maybe I actually got some decent sleep.

Sunday Night,

I had a big test Monday morning. I went to bed about 3:00 when I finished making my crib sheet. After getting 38% on the first test, I was a little worried about this one. Being nervous kept me from falling asleep. For some reason, I woke up around 7:00... apparently I was still nervous. I managed to fall back asleep. 8:05 roles around and the grounds crew is mowing lawns. The lawn mower right outside my window woke me up, hurray. The mowing stays in the area until about 8:45. My alarm is set for 10. I never did make it back to sleep before my alarm went off.

Monday Night,

Here's a frustrating one. Jeremy came into the room at some point during the day and said, "I'm going to warn you now, but Dana has work to do tonight, I have papers to write, and I have to be up at 5:30 so I'm spending the night here." Gee, Thanks Jeremy. Apparently for some reason he didn't want to wake Dana up early so it was easier to come back to our apartment and Shit on me. Jeremy has really been a very non considerate person when other people have been sleeping this semester. Most mornings he bangs things around and pretty much does as he would if no one was around. Earlier this year he would put off papers and spend all nighter's trying to write them or waking up really early to get up on his computer and type. You can imagine it's a little difficult to sleep with constant keyboard clicking. This has been something frustrating me for a long time this year. I was having a fairly intense conversation with Paul that night and Jeremy said he was going to bed soon. I told him I still had a few emails to write and he responded by saying, "Well, could you please come do them now so I can get to bed?" Wow, did he just say that? Apparently he wants me to get my crap done so he can sleep. I'm trying to think of all the times he could have done that for me. I can't think of anything right now. So, I typed my emails on Alex's laptop out in the living room as to not disturb jeremy's sleep. Jeremy wakes up at 5:30, making the usual noises. Finally, he must have thought he was going to be late. Instead of using monitor or his little lamp to see with, he decides to screw it and just hit the big, main light in the bedroom. Not only that, but now he has no time to use any considerations. Drawers and doors must be slammed, it will save him 0.3 seconds. I got up after he left, 45 minutes of being up has made me pretty awake. I got some stuff to eat and went back to bed. It took a long time to fall back asleep. I remember there was something else that woke me up after that, but I can't remember for sure anymore, the phone maybe.

Tuesday Night

I got a call from a GSB senator that was giving me a heads up on some things she was planning for the next night's meeting. That call went until about 3:00 am. At 8:45-9ish, I got a phone call from the Frederiksen Court Coordinator telling me she picked up the poster board I wanted for elections. I usually put the phone out in the living room so it won't wake me up. Jeremy is really the only person that uses the phone and he usually brings it into our room and buries it under stuff at his desk. I'm going to have to start beeping the phone every night to find it and make sure it's out of my room. Again, alarm set for 10, too late at this point to get back to sleep.

Wednesday Night,

Another late phone call lasts until about 3:00am. I still had to do some hw and prepare some stuff for the Frederiksen Elections that were Thursday. I managed to get to bed around 4:15ish. I woke up around 8:00am because of a droning hum of an engine. I'm not sure exactly what it was because it didn't seem to move or change throttle. They cut down a ton of branches off of this one tree next to my apartment. I suspect they may have brought the branch grinder/shredder thing over and they were using that at 8:00 for about an hour. Again, alarm set for 10, engine noise stops at 9, too late to go back to sleep.

Thursday Night,

By this point, I'm frustrated as hell. I went to bed around 2 and was really light headed at this point. I actually haven't had an appetite really at all since thursday. I played b-ball that night too, which probably didn't help. For some reason, I woke up at 6:40. I'm not sure why, but I was still dizzy. I decided I would get up and eat something hoping the next time I woke up, I wouldn't be dizzy. Back to bed. It was kind of raining outside. For some reason, drops of water from the roof decided to splash on this ledge right outside my window. The stupid plinking of the drops kept me up. It wasn't raining, otherwise I can fall asleep to the sound of constant rain. I actually inverted the way I sleep to try and get farther away from the window. Jeremy comes in the room to get something I'm thinking 7:30-8:00ish. Woken up again, yay. At 8:40 the food I ate at 6:40 decided it needed out. Stomach really hurt so I got up to use the restroom. My alarm is set for 10. At this point, I'm so tired that I decide I will skip my first class to try and get another hour of sleep if I can get back to sleep. After waking up 3 times, the body really doesn't want to try again. I managed to just fall back asleep again as the phone rings. Apparently jeremy brought the phone into the room again. After 3 rings whoever called hung up. It's now a little after 10, I get up and go to my first class.

What the crap happened this week? I really need to fix this. Can't stop the grounds crew, but they shouldn't need to do more crap for a while. I need to make sure the phone is out of my room every night. I need to stop talking at night and limit time on the phone. I guess I would also advise Jeremy that the next time he prevents me from sleeping, he might be stabbed. I could write a venting blog just on the times he's pissed me off this year by not being considerate of people sleeping. We never had this problem other years we roomed together.

It's now 2:00am. I was supposed to do a service project at 7:30am, Yeah right. I'm going to bed. Though I think Jeremy said his parents were coming today so he'll probably be over here fairly early to pack/clean/prep for family and make sure i'm not sleeping again. Who knows, maybe i'll get lucky. If only I could have remembered everything from this week. I'm suprised I haven't snapped yet. That might be soon though.

The Problem with Too Much Sleep

2005-04-05T05:22:00.000-04:00

So, I'm happy to say my condition is improving. I think I woke up this afternoon at 2:45ish... it was really nice not having class and not having the exam!!! UNC won the b-ball game. All-in-all a pretty good day. The problem I'm facing now is that it's almost 4:30am and I"m not really tired at all. I guess that 45ish hours over the last three days built up a bank of energy in me. I'm still sick, so it doesn't entirely make sense. Oh well, thankfully I don't have to do much today either so I can get up in the afternoon again. Hopefully i'll feel good enough to play basketball. If i'm able to, I will, whether it is good for me or not.

I feel like crap

2005-04-04T01:31:00.001-04:00

I started feeling ill on Monday, March 29th.... Sore throat, tired, etc.... nothing big. I knew if I could get some sleep in I'd be fine, like every other time germs try to attack me and lose. Well, the Daily had to call my apartment at least 20 times Monday-Wednesday, including the mornings, so I never really got that sleep I wanted. Oh well, still not that bad, keep going. Thursday, I was feeling the need to play some b-ball, I didn't feel that sick, so I went to play.

When I got done, I realized it was a mistake... The games were fun, but the coughing attacks afterwards in the apartment were not. Friday, I felt a little worse. You have no idea how annoying it is when you have the feeling to sneeze for hours at a time. We still went to Sin City that night. Yesterday I woke up and BAM!! Yeah.... wow, I haven't felt this bad for a very long time. I had a test tomorrow so that was my main worry. I slept like 17 hours yesterday, so not much studying got done. I emailed my professor with a heads up just in case I needed to try and get excused for the exam. I was hoping to wake up better today and be able to study.... nope, not one bit better. In fact, I'd say it was worse.

On Sundays, Student Health (AKA student Death) is closed and the hospital in ames only has the emergency room open. I ended up going to Mercy Medical in Ankeny to see a doctor. He looked me over and perscribed some antibiotics. More importantly, he filled out a sheed saying he thought I had bronchitis and recomended lots of fluids and rest. This is would I'd like to call me get out of exam sheet. I emailed my prof before I left for Ankeny and he had responded by the time I got back. He said to get better and that we can figure something out about the exam later. He said he'd like a short note signed by a doctor, which I now have. I am not going to nay classes tomorrow, and I no longer have to take my exam.

I'm feeling better already. Not having that test tomorrow relieved a lot of stress, but it definately has it's cost. I'm hoping I can rest a lot the next two days so I can get back to normal functioning by wednesday.

funny story

2005-03-22T02:03:00.000-05:00

Sunday I made the trek back to ames from home. As normal, I drive fairly fast. While passing a line of about 8 cars, a van pops out and decides to tail me. This doesn't always bother me, but if i'm going a good 10mph higher than you and then you decide to tail me, come on.... grow some. If you're speeding up a little, meh that's fine, i do that.

Anyways... I passed a semi and had moved back into the right lane. The van had fallen back a little bit. I approached a rest stop that has parking only. I pegged a cop parked there about 3/4 of a mile away. I slow down to 67 and this van stays in the fast lane after passing the semi. The van passes me and keeps going at constant speed. Congrats, he finally grew some, but now he needs a brain. The cop pegged the van and I watched in my rearview mirror as he drove out of his parking spot and down the entrance ramp. Cop passed me and moved into the right lane and flipped his lights on. I wonder how long it took for the driver of the van to go "Oh, that's why he slowed down." When someone drives 77-80 and slows to 67, there is usually a reason. Looks like it's slow lane driving again for Mr. van.

Oddly, this brings up a few other experiences. The two fastest vehicles I've ever seen driving on I-35 have been minivans. One was doing 95+ and the other I would estimate around 95. I saw a dvd screen down in the back of the most recent, the one I think was going 95. As he zooms away I couldn't help but think that there is a parent driving that van with children in the back seat. It was night so I couldn't get a good look into the van as it went by. There is a good probability that a car gaining on you that fast at night is a cop trying to catch up to someone. Not a cop this time, just some children in the back seat of a minivan cruising along at 95ish. What is the driver thinking? It's one thing driving that fast alone. With children, that guy deserves to be smacked around a little.

IQ tests

2005-02-16T03:54:00.000-05:00

So i saw this weird question about what state had the most coastline, alaska, hawaii, california, or florida. I clicked on what I thought was the answer, alaska (I have no idea if that was right). Turns out it was a cleverly designed add that was made to look like you had to select one of the 4 and click the submit button (which was also part of the add). I figured as much, but really didn't care. So, anyways.... this banner linked me to an IQ test from www.tickle.com or more specifically the "classic IQ" test.

I blew through the 40ish questions they asked and clicked submit. Here's the catch, they required a name and email address before they'd give you your results. I gave them my hotmail account because that gets all my spam anyways and I wanted to figure out what it said. I won't say my IQ score exactly, but it gave me this description:

Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns.

This is all they gave me before asking for $13 to learn more. Either way, I thought it was pretty cool. So I went to the homepage and found that they had a "Supre IQ" test. Hey, if the last one took 10ish minutes, why not see what the "Super" meant. It asks the same types of questions. I clicked submit and my score was 2 points lower, which sucked but at least it showed some consistency. This test gave me the description:

The way you think about things makes you a Creative Theorist. This means you are a highly intelligent, complex person. You are able to process information of nearly every kind with ease, using both creativity and analysis to make sense of the world. Compared to others you also have a very rich imagination.

How did we determine that your thinking style is that of a Creative Theorist? When we examined your test results further, we analyzed how you scored on 8 dimensions of intelligence: spatial, organizational, abstract reasoning, logical, mechanical, verbal, visual and numerical. The 3 dimensions you scored highest on combine to make you a Creative Theorist. Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities.

Ok, so the coolest thing about all of this to me was the 6/1000 or 0.6% percent of people that have this combination. If anyone else goes through these tests, I'd be curious as to what descriptions they get. We don't need to do any number comparissons, but I think the descriptions are fun. The website also has a ton more surveys that I might get around to sometime. I might as well use them since I'm signed up already.

New Things

2005-01-18T19:18:00.000-05:00

All right, so you may have noticed my site has plastic surgery. Changing identity was necessary to hide from secret government agencies that is trying to kill this site. Woops, wasn't sure if I should say that or not.

My brother Rick helped put the new look of the site together and I owe him some thanks. I only know C and C++. HTML is just gibberish when I look at it, but I am learning howto change colors and other small things.

Next, if you check out this link: http://www.decoymusic.com/reviewscontent.php?review=1472
you will notice my name at the bottom of the page. That's right, I have completed and submitted my first ever cd review. Rick also reviews for this site so you will see his name there too. He actually is in charge of reviews or something like that for this site. I have to thank him for the new hobby. I should have more up in a day or two.

There will also be a link section over on the right side of my site. I will eventually get some links up to other good reads. Anyways...

painfully remembered dreams

2005-01-11T14:19:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning to my phone alarm and got up immediately because I had to get ready for an interview thinger. Most of the time when I immediately start my morning, I usually forget all the dreams I had the night before. While in the shower, thinking of something triggered the memories of a dream I had last night.

Picture having a dream with a person that you have had at one point, a strong crush on. Your dream now creates a romantic reality full of passion with this person. This dream was a very long dream. It has the two of you interacting with each others' families and other friends around you. You have a really comfortable interaction to the point where you can understand what each person wants just based on their body language and reaction to things. It's in that stage where you fully understand each other. It is a really touchy feely relationship too. It isn't wrong to show affection around people because all the people you are around know and understand how much the two of you are in love. At one point, you have to drive this person home from your house. On the way there, you exchange a look and see a half grin on the other person as they bend over to kiss you. You decide to pull off on a back gravel road underneath such a star filled romantic sky that only your fantasies could create. You hold each other and kiss underneath the stars and exchange saying you love each other. Some passion really starts to heat up as you kiss one another. You have to get the other person home so the passion doesn't really lead to anywhere. This is perfectly ok though because you love the person and you are only worried about not getting that person in trouble. You know there will be more than enough time to spend with this person another day. Well, until you realize that you would never have another chance because this was all a dream.

This was truly a fantasy. I enjoy romance and the comfort and understanding that relationships can create between people. Remembering this dream forced me to smile, but that soon faded. What my mind had shown me is a dream that I hope I get someday, but so perfect that it almost seems impossible to ever happen. Would you want the memory of something that could only be that imagineably magnificent knowing it wasn't real and just a dream? I've spent most of the day wishing I never remembered the dream. Having felt something that magnificent has left me feeling such a strong feeling of lonliness inside all day. It was, hands down, the best dream I've ever had, but with the way I feel right now, I wished I never had it.

Would you want the memory?

Back to the front line

2005-01-10T02:29:00.000-05:00

The night before classes start again, hurray, the 6th semester is here. Ok, so I'm really not that excited. This semester is setting itself up to be quite interesting and I'm pretty sure it's more of a thing I should worry about than look forward to. I can't say for sure, but that's the feeling I get.

Over Chistmas break and even now I feel like my life is slightly disjunctured. The past few weeks there have been many times where all of a sudden I find what I'm focused on slowly fade out and I feel lost. The thoughts like "What am I doing here?" or "What's going on?" go through my mind. I continue with the conversation or doing whatever it was I was doing, but my mind starts going somewhere else.

I also find myself at night, before I go to bed, with this feeling like soemthing inside of me can't be held in anymore. This build up fights to get out, but I can't find what it is that will release it. I try music, movies, writing, reading, just sitting and thinking, etc... but I can't figure out what it is inside. It's big and strong but I have no idea what it is or what it wants me to do. Usually I have no trouble releasing my thoughts and emotions in music or movies. This has been lingering and I have felt it everynight for about the last month.

These two events have kept me up trying to figure out exactly what it is and why I'm feeling it. I think it might be a lack of a connection of some sort. I could be completely wrong, but it's really starting to bother me. Even while I was with close friends or family, I would still experience these "disconnections." Maybe after a semester that didn't really leave you with anything to hope for is what's causing this. Lots of my friends and study partners are at coops this semester. I can already feel gaps growing between my group of close friends at college. I also know that this semester will probably also have me busy enough so I don't get home that much either. Well, there isn't enough time to figure this out before the craziness that is college starts again. Good luck everyone.

The answer is purple because ice cream doesn't have any bones.

2004-12-12T21:16:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone, one week left of the semester. For all of you enduring finals through this week, good luck. The semester is ending which means its time for that end of semester transition. It happens every time for me. I start realizing another semester is gone and that is one less that I will have of what should be the "best time of my life" (college).

I look back on this semester and I have no idea what happened. It felt slow and fast at the same time. All the time spent in class on homework seemed to last forever. I remember thinking three weeks into the semester how long this semester was going to be with the amount of homework I had each week. One of the people I studied with asked me if I remembered the week before. I responded by telling him that I really didn't. With the volume of homework me and my classmates had to do, you could never really ingest it. When you were done working hours on one homework and decided to switch to a different subject, it's like you had to pull the plug out of your brain and drain it to be able to start over. I look back at the semester and it did feel like it went really quickly, even though it seems like time is taking forever as I sit here studying.

I also look back and this semester really seemed to pass too fast from the amount of out of class activities I did. There wasn't that much, not enough for me. Time is going to be running out here soon, I would like to be spending more time with my friends and the people I know here. If I didn't have class with you, study with you, or live with you, we probably didn't even speak regularly.

This last semester has been the most frustrating and unfulfilling of the five I've experienced. When I look back, to be honest, there isn't a whole lot to smile about or be proud of. The few things I remember that make me smile are usually overwhelmed by the things that haven't gone so well. It seemed at some point in time during this semester, each direction I turned exploded. The amount of things that actually gave me something to hope for is negligible. Everything I tried to find hope in, failed.

You learn the most about yourself every struggle you go through. I had my struggle this semester, what I learned is just how undefined I really am. I'm a different person depending on who I am with and what situation I am in. I don't have a set person that I am, just kind of what adheres to the surrounding environment.

I've got a problem of having two very distinct and very different personalities. I take these psychology questionnaires for extra credit in psych class. Some of the questions will be something like: "Would you rather be the center of attention or blend in with the crowd?" Can I answer both? In a usual weekend night hanging out with people, I will experience wanting to do both more. For part of it, I will want to be the "Center of attention" and for other parts, just an observer in the shadows going mainly unnoticed.

Different people bring out different parts of me. It has been like this for a very long time and I have no idea what me I would rather be but all of me. I've realized this semester that I define myself as undefined... I don't like being predictable. Some things, yes, I am very predictable, but it seems I have this defense mechanism for not allowing myself to be consistent enough for some one to really get to know me or how to read me.

Dead Week

2004-12-06T01:15:00.000-05:00

Dead week is the week before finals. At ISU, profs aren't supposed to have any tests this week. The nice ones will not give you homework sometimes also. This is the week that most students start cramming for finals. Dead Week... what does this mean to me? It seems that there is a good chance that I might be dead after this week. I have two assignments of homework, thats about 8-9 hours, thankfully the profs didn't assign as much as usual. I have a comprehensive final on wednesday for electromagnetics. I have the third and final test (not comprehensive) on Thursday for my semiconductors class. Last, I have a paper due on friday about an application of electromagnetics. By friday, my ass might be a little sore. That will set up my finals week then, which will have a test in psych (cake), a comprehenisve final for my signals class (still have no idea what it is we do in that class), and another comprehensive final for electromagnetics. For electromagnetics, that adds to a total of 7 tests in one semester. 5 tests, 2 comprehensive finals. I will be using this as my excuse for not putting up new blogs. I have 2 more half written, I might get a chance to finish those sometime. Sorry everyone.

Crazy colors

2004-11-16T01:32:00.000-05:00

What color am I writing in? You’re absolutely right, this is red font.

Why is that font red? …because since you were a baby, people pointed to things that were red and described them as red. So, who is to say that your interpretation of red is the same as mine? If its true that we don’t actually interpret colors the same, how would you ever know? Your green could be my red. When you point to something and call it green, I see the same thing and agree its green when I could be seeing it as your red. I hope that makes sense.

Ok, so this thought isn’t actually that unique. Here is one thing that is weird though. What if one color existed that was so pleasing to the eye that it was everyone’s favorite color? Maybe that color exists. Your favorite color of blue might be your brain’s interpretation of my favorite color black or another person’s interpretation of green. I think a possibility exists that everyone has the same favorite color, just interpreted differently by different people. Granted, the possibility is extremely small, I still think its something interesting to consider.

An extreme case of desensitized apathy

2004-11-15T00:12:00.000-05:00

A while ago a girl in my high school attempted suicide in the bathroom before school started. She hung her self. From what I last heard, she is in a coma with little to no brain activity. One of my friends posted on her blog about how cruel some people can be and that no one realizes how they effect other people. She said other things, not really important for the reason of this blog. Some random guy, that she doesn't know, left this comment on her blog:

"Rofl. Suicide is so simple, why do people find a hard time w/ it. If you're that "affected" to where you're going to "attempt" suicide, you deserve to die. Do it right atleast, and not in school where people can help you. "

I simply can't understand how someone could say something like this. My initial response on my friend's blog was this"

" You are ROFL because a girl didn't think that there was anything in life to make it worth living so she killed herself. Picture the mother that finds out that her daughter committed suicide and feels completely guilty thinking it was her fault. Think of the siblings that won't have a sister. Thats really frikking sick and I can't believe you can laugh about it. This girl was young and was probably not thinking sanely. She did nothing to deserve to die. You're such a waste. Its apathetic people like you that things like this happen. I hope no one gives you anything in life and treats you like the selfish b*tch you are. I'd take the girl that committed suicide over you any day-she's worth more. I only hope the world shows as much apathy to you. "

As you can see, he struck a nerve. I can't believe that there are people that can be this apathetic. He says she was stupid for doing it in school where someone could have found her and helped her and that he's ROFL about it. Well, if this upsets you like it has me, this is the guy's blog:

http://www.teenopendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=B715033

I have devoted an entire blog to how much this random guy pissed me off. If anyone would like to say something to him, feel free to leave him a comment on his journal.

A special appreciation of new friends

2004-10-24T01:32:00.000-04:00

I just finished watching 21 Grams. The movie reminded me of things I've thought before. There is a special significance that old friends do not have. At this point in our lives, we have made the decisions of where we are. Growing up, we knew family and classmates. The people we grew up with were the result of the decisions of our parents. They settled down, maybe moved around, but the people you met and knew were the consequences of the decisions of your parents. At this point in our lives, we've started making our own decisions. The people we meet and the relationships that we create are the results of the decisions we have made for our future. The people and friends I have here at ISU I met because I chose to come here. I realize a lot of decisions weren't directly made, but this time our decisions are really starting to effect things. Consider how many situations took place and how many decisions were made for you to meet and create the relationships you have with people.

For example, I applied for a presidential scholarship at Milwaukee School of Engineering(MSOE). Had I gotten that scholarship, I most likely would not have attended ISU. I also remember that it was my parent's idea to come to this campus because I hadn't really looked anywhere else. When I got here, I fell in love with the campus. If you asked me what campus was like at MSOE, I would have responded, "What campus?" After that day, I wanted to come here. I remember telling my girlfriend at the time that after being on this campus, that a full ride to MSOE still might not be enough to change my mind. I remembered being so worried about coming here because I knew absolutely no one here. Ever person I met would be a new face.

I met my current roommate and good friend Jeremy my freshman year. He had many offers at many colleges but decided to go to ISU for the engineering program, it was close to his family, it was cheaper than other colleges, etc... He started as an aero E and is now an English major. I know he has told me before that if he knew he wanted to be in English, he most likely wouldn't have come to ISU. He lived two doors down from me my Freshman year. It was his second year in Wolf house in Larch. The preferences I selected, and his also, had gotten wolf house selected for us. My first roommate Dave, was also a year older than me. After first semester, he and a few other older students got an apartment together. I was told it was a good opportunity for me because I had a really good chance of keeping a single for second semester. During first semester, I was in a rather destructive relationship that ended quite poorly. I knew this break up was really going to effect me and I wanted to stay social and active. If I would have taken a single, I would probably have locked myself in my room and sat in front of my computer every night. Knowing this, I decided it wouldn't be a good idea for me to have a single and be alone. I asked Jeremy, who I didn't know very well at the time, to live with me that second semester. He had been there the night that I found out my g/f had cheated on me. He was also active, which I needed to keep me active. Jeremy was also in student government. He was a GSB senator and our house president. He stepped down as Wolf House president so I could take over--thus starting my student government involvement. The next year I was RCA president and Larch president. I met a lot of people and friends on student Government. To try to get to the point of this blog. Everyone in student government had his or her story for being there. The results of the decisions and events that taken place in each of there lives brought them to the student government meetings where I met them. As time passes, each person we meet and every new friendship that starts has a longer story and more events that had to have taken place in order for you to meet each other.

Anyone that reads this blog, if you know me, think a moment how we met each other. Think about what happened in order for us to meet and that if any one event in our lives had changed, there is a good chance we would have never known each other. I don't want to start a discussion on if the things that happen in our lives happen for a reason or if they happen out of pure randomness (possible subject for another blog another day). From this blog, I'd rather people just admire and appreciate the complexity of the things that have taken place to create the friendships and relationships you have.

A random but interesting side note. In the end of 21 grams, one of the main characters says how we lose 21 grams when we die. I didn't quite understand what they were trying to say so my roommate and I researched this a little after the movie. It turns our that after we die, our bodies weigh 21 grams less then when we were alive. This is the weight of approximately 5 nickels. A doctor in the early 1900's classified these 21 grams as the weight of the human soul. That change in weight was simply the loss of the soul. Since then, his work has been discredited and it seems that weight change after death is inconsistent. I just thought that was interesting.

2004-10-18T14:08:00.000-04:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

March of the pawns

2004-10-17T23:09:00.000-04:00

I've been working on writing a poem about this idea, but am not doing so well. For those of you not familiar with chess, I'm sure you will probably still at least know enough to follow along with this blog. If not, I apologize.

The pawn is of course, the row in front of your offensive pieces and king. The pawn is usually the expendable annoying pieces. I offer a different view of pawns. I consider life a lot like a pawns journy across the chess board.

From the beginning, pawns get the choice of moving 1 or 2 spots. People sometimes get a head start in life and others have to work harder to make it as far. Some are blessed with the advantage to get a head start.

Pawns can only move forward, never back. As time passes, whats happened cannot be undone. Once we move forward, we can never go back.

Sometimes a piece gets in the way and a pawn is unable to move. There are times in our lives too where it seems that we can't make it any further or something is stopping us. Sometimes as time passes, that obstacle disappears; sometimes a friend will come by and help you clear the way.

Sometimes pawns are used to protect other pieces. They stand behind and to the side of another piece. We've all stould behind other people. Sometimes it was enough to protect them, other times it wasn't.

Sometimes pawns are targeted by the other player. We all end up in dangerous situations. Hopefully, you've got a piece on your side protecting you. Sometimes we don't, and, well, lets just say your contribution to the game might be done.

Sometimes pawns are used as bait or cannon fodder to try to slow down or throw off the opponent. We all face times where we've been betrayed or taken advantage of. I hope it doesn't happen that often, but it does.

Sometimes pawns are used to create barriers or walls for protection. We've all been there to try and protect someone. Sometimes we offer protection, sometimes we're forced to.

Not all pawns survive. Some people just don't make it through the game. Sometimes they give up. Sometimes they are taken out. We all of a shot at life, some just don't make it as far as they hope to.

What happens when a pawn makes it across the board. They get to become any piece that they want. The once cannon fodder is now a mighty queen. In a lot of games, that pawn that makes it across determines the outcome. We all start at the same spot. I'm working and hoping to make it across.

Just another look at the pawn.

Welcome

2004-10-14T12:53:00.000-04:00

Hello visitors to the exciting world of blogs. I have succumb to their evil powers and decided to create on of my own. I will use this site to post random thoughts and/or good dreams when i remember them. This won't be a journal, i hope to only post stuff that I consider worth the time to read. Feel free to comment on any of my posts, i always enjoy what other people think.

First post
So two nights ago I took a walk on campus that started at 1am. For some reason I just got the urge to go outside. For anyone that doesn't know the ISU campus, its beautiful and huge. There is something about the campus when its night and no one else is around that I find beautiful. You don't have to worry about running into people too often and you are pretty much free to do whatever you want. For me anyways, I pay a lot more attention to the details of the campus and it's buildings at night. A lot of the buildings also have lights left on in them. As you walk around them, you can see into each of those rooms that you wouldn't normally during the day. My favorite part though, would definately have to be the racoons. Most people hate racoons, but I find them very amusing to watch. I found three by kildee hall. I was actually surrounded by the three for a while. I laugh everytime I see one try to run. I think of it as more of a hobble. For anyone thats never taken the time to walk around campus at 1am during the week, I would highly recomend doing so. Really look at the details of the campus and you'll see a lot of things you never noticed before. Also, remember, in a few years from now, you won't have the opportunity to walk around campus at 1am. Anyways...